Hurt or Protect

I have always thought that being skeptical can be useful. If you're skeptical then how can you get hurt? Never truly believe anything, always doubting and questioning. Yet how is that a way of life? Living a life void of trust seems to be a lonely life in the end. It's hard for me to admit that, but I'm beginning to think it's true although I have ever reason in certain circumstances to remain skeptical, maybe even more skeptical that usual. Are people all the same? Will they always end up hurting you? Certainly seems that way sometimes. It can feel as though the only one you can trust is yourself, but then again, what if you can't trust yourself? You have a desire, but you can't trust yourself to follow through with it. Is fear the next step? Or is there another answer? How do you completely let go and begin to accept things without only thinking about getting hurt? Why do people allow themselves to be put in the same position over and over again which just leads to the inability to not be so skeptical? "I don't give myself enough credit", I was told recently. From that one sentence alone, should I lower my guard? Lower my guard to that one person, but keep it up high for all others? Who do I believe? Who do I trust? Am I hurting myself or am I protecting myself?

The Price of Happiness

What exactly is the price of happiness? What defines the limitations? What defines the extend to which one goes to gain happiness? What is our goal in life? Success, wealth, fame, distinction...happiness. In the end it is happiness which the majority of us yearn for. For some it comes more easily than others. How are we supposed to know just how far to go to get what we want, to get our happiness, to get something that will make us smile, maybe not forever, but for the time being? I ask the question of, what's worth fighting for and what's worth losing? People, things, ideas, deals...just how far will one go? Is it safe, crazy or dangerous to stand in front of another person as vulnerable as an ant crawling beneath the shadow of a shoe. To stand in front of another person, willing to be a complete fool, willing to open up, willing, just willing; is that crazy or is that the price you pay if you want something, if you want to avoid pain and gain that deep breath of relief and joy. If you want something, someone, where do you stop? Rejection is difficult, but can be overturned...sometimes. So, when do you appeal a first decision if that decision is made? When do you give it your best to receive the happiness that you yearn for, that you dream of, that you want so badly? Some things I do believe are out of our control. Knowing what is really out of our control is difficult. We are selfish creatures to begin with. Fighting for survival. Beyond survival, it's all want and desire. i want him, I want that, I want this. If you see a bit of control in your hands then fight. But you have to know when it's worth it, if it's the best for you. Maybe if it doesn't come so easily, another source of happiness is better. But then again, how do you know for sure? Standing in front of someone completely naked is terrifying, but if you want it, there can be the chance of getting it and if not, then maybe you're stronger for standing up for what you want. So what is the price of happiness? How far does one go?

Seeing Clearly

Facades, layers, complications, uncertainty, unknowing, strange, difficult, weird...hurtful. There are times where you just don't know. You don't know what someone expects, what they mean by something they say, what you expect of others. Somethings are just challenging to understand, others are clear but challenged by our inability to see and think clearly. At times we desperately want to see something, believe something that may or may not be true. When someone says that they want you to be you, there can be two interpretations. One is that they truly want you to be you. The other is that they want you to be comfortable and you to the point they are willing to accept. Perhaps someone is offering something. They offer to a certain extent and if you are comfortable with that then ok, if not then there is the feeling of guilt coming from the other side. This can make the other side say that they care more about you being comfortable than themself. What it means is that things are on their terms, up to them and if you are not ok with that then they accept that and say ok, no more. If you are ok with it and comfortable with it, then things can proceed the way they have been. Before I thought clearly about this thought, I thought that when someone said they care more about you being comfortable than themself, it meant they cared about the way you felt regardless of what they actually wanted. I now know that although things may seem endearing, nothing right now is truly up to me. The only thing that is up to me however, is whether or not I let myself into this situation. Layers have hidden what I know now and what I understand. There's a reason I am skeptical. There is a reason I doubt. I doubt because of what I have come to understand. Perhaps there is affection, but of course only to a certain extent. An extent to which I do not think I can be part of. Perhaps I'm wrong. But, perhaps I'm right. Physical, slightly emotional relationship- nothing more. Comfortable? Comfortable enough for the physical and as said before, slightly emotional. What is real? I see something now that I didn't want to think of or look at. Knowing though, has changed me.

lie or reveal

When are you allowed to be yourself? The answer is not all the time. People want you to be happy, at least have the facade of happiness. People want you to be polite. People want you to be respectful and kind. People such as mothers, fathers, grandparents, brothers, sisters...society. Society has standards for interactions between people. We are taught to, if necessary, be fake. A kind fake however. Big smile, warm hello and how are you. At one time or another we are all actors. All pretending to be something we are not. Should we be what we pretend to be? Maybe. Is it ok that we are not? Yes. We can't always be what is expected of us. We can't always disregard our feelings. A question that arises is, when is it safe to truly be you? Who can you be you in front of? Someone may say that want to see the real you and they don't want you to censor yourself and hide. Skepticism can take hold and have you questioning whether or not it really is safe to let lose, to open up, to just talk without thinking too much. Will what I say change the way they view me? Will what I say make them judge me? Will how I say it make them begin to think differing thoughts about me? Do I feel safe? Do I feel comfortable? Do I feel ok screaming and yelling or starting a fight to challenge how they feel about me, to see if it's real? When does the time come when I scare someone away? When does the time come when I know I won't scare them away. What if they don't want to hear what I want to say? What if they think I'm crazy? What if they think I'm someone they didn't think I was? Trust is not easy especially if you have been hurt before. To trust someone with your feelings, your thoughts, your ideas is very difficult. When is it ok to begin to trust and know you won't get hurt? You can never promise you won't get hurt, but I guess that's the gamble you take with any relationship, friendship or otherwise.

What happens now?

What happens when you feel yourself reverting back to a way that you hated? What happens when you find yourself acting the way you once did, feeling the way you once did, hating what you once did? What happens if it's with the same person that you feel these things? Do you say to yourself, "it's time to let go?" When do you say enough is enough? I find myself wanting to say the same things. But then I think, this isn't really me. This is not the way I usually act. This is not the way I usually seem to others. So then the question is whose fault is it? His for making me feel as though I'm in the same situation? Or mine for allowing myself to revert back? The problem is the unknowing, the confusion. Two people perhaps with two different thoughts. Back off I can say to myself. But does that help the way I feel? Or will talking take care of everything. Walking on eggshells. That's what it is. What happened before? I scared someone. What happening now? I surely don't want to scare anyone. Who makes it weird? Who makes the situation the way it is? Am I making it all up in my head? Signs here and there of endearment, yet words to refute them. Words of fear and rationality. Another question is where is my strength? Do I allow myself to push through the feelings of before and act on the present? Or do I, as said before, simply let go? What am I capable of? What do I want? What is best? One answer is not what happened before. Something new needs to come of this. But I fear that the conclusion will be the same. Can there be time a part and time together and then all over again with slight adjustments? Can you tamper with feelings and deny? Or rather, deny your capabilities? My feelings are out there. His, not so much. Uncertainty never feels right, never feels good, is never understood.

"Feelings are not supposed to be logical. Dangerous is the man who has rationalized his emotions."

I found this quote a while ago and I find myself coming back to it over and over again. I feel as though I continue to think the same things and feel the same things, but perhaps they are just evolved thoughts from previous ideas and notions. A current theme is feelings. Doubting feelings, believing feelings, holding onto feelings, trying to rid yourself of feelings. Feelings are not supposed to be logical. If they were logical then what would be the point of a shrink? Feelings are supposed to mess with you. They are supposed to create pains in your stomach, dreams in your sleep, smiles during the day, tears late at night. Dangerous is the man who has rationalized his emotions. Danger comes with time. Time to think and analyze. Time to rationalize what is good and what is bad. What is right and what is wrong. Acting on the way one feels is not always logical, but the question is what is really more dangerous? Acting on something that is in the moment, or thinking about the way you feel and rationalizing it to the point where the feeling can at times disappear. I analyze. I think. I overthink. It's hard for me to just let go. To just accept what I feel in the moment. To trust that feeling. I have thought of myself as a trusting person. Recently, I feel as though that has changed. Trust goes hand in hand with doubt. Doubting things such as feelings causes trust to simply not exist. The question is, how do you begin to trust? Should I just go on the idea that feelings aren't logical and that that is perfectly fine sometimes? Or do I continue to rationalize which leads to more doubt in the end although perhaps at times it should lead to more trust. Sometimes I create tests. Subconsciously and consciously. I ask why, I see how a boy responds to something I say, I question. People have called me intuitive. Does that work against me or with me? I can read people. I can tell them things about themselves that maybe they did not know. However, in return I just continue to question things, feelings, thoughts. Someone asked me why I can't speak in person the way I write. I don't know exactly why I can't speak this way and be more honest and open and comfortable. Maybe I rationalize the way I feel too much which in the end can be dangerous. I like rationality although at times it can seem like I don't. I like symmetry and sanity. However, I'm unsure if anything I have written is actually logical. So what is purely logical?

Selfishness

Although being selfish can work out at times, there are other times when one has to ask himself whether or not it is worth it to be selfish. There must be a reason there is selfishness. There is a reason for guilt. Tonight for a moment I believed selfishness could prevail. I was wrong. I thought I could win the battle. I thought I knew what I wanted. That wasn't the truth though. The truth was that I wanted something in the moment. I wanted something that I couldn't have for the best reasons ever. Someone didn't want me to regret or resent. I thank him for that and I thank him for being mature and stopping me. Selfishness can only last so long. Rationality must kick in somewhere. Without it, where would human kind be? So now I ask myself, will there ever be a time to be selfish once again if placed in the same situation as I had been tonight. My conclusion? When the situation arises once again, the circumstances will be different. I know this because I will only allow the circumstance to return upon rationality. Therefore selfishness won't be part of it. If it is right, then how could one think it selfish? Am I nervous? Of course. Do I want to be selfish? Yes. Should I be? No. Will he allow me to? No. And I'm happy about that. So now I wait. I wait for that situation and I wait for the time where the situation is different. Where I can feel at ease.

Feeling vs. Fact

What is the difference between feeling and fact? Feelings aren't always facts. "I think he hates me". That is a feeling. To him, that may very well not be a fact. The question is, how do you separate feelings from facts and when do you know whether to believe one for the other? That is a problem with the idea of doubting. What exactly does one doubt? Feelings. People doubt what other's think, how they are perceived, who actually cares about them. These burts of doubt are merely that. Bursts of uncertainty, of unknowing and that doubt is where the feelings prevail and the fact hides in the shadow.