Skeptacentral

Hurt or Protect

2006-11-13T01:12:00.000-05:00

I have always thought that being skeptical can be useful. If you're skeptical then how can you get hurt? Never truly believe anything, always doubting and questioning. Yet how is that a way of life? Living a life void of trust seems to be a lonely life in the end. It's hard for me to admit that, but I'm beginning to think it's true although I have ever reason in certain circumstances to remain skeptical, maybe even more skeptical that usual. Are people all the same? Will they always end up hurting you? Certainly seems that way sometimes. It can feel as though the only one you can trust is yourself, but then again, what if you can't trust yourself? You have a desire, but you can't trust yourself to follow through with it. Is fear the next step? Or is there another answer? How do you completely let go and begin to accept things without only thinking about getting hurt? Why do people allow themselves to be put in the same position over and over again which just leads to the inability to not be so skeptical? "I don't give myself enough credit", I was told recently. From that one sentence alone, should I lower my guard? Lower my guard to that one person, but keep it up high for all others? Who do I believe? Who do I trust? Am I hurting myself or am I protecting myself?

The Price of Happiness

2006-08-06T23:05:00.000-04:00

What exactly is the price of happiness? What defines the limitations? What defines the extend to which one goes to gain happiness? What is our goal in life? Success, wealth, fame, distinction...happiness. In the end it is happiness which the majority of us yearn for. For some it comes more easily than others. How are we supposed to know just how far to go to get what we want, to get our happiness, to get something that will make us smile, maybe not forever, but for the time being? I ask the question of, what's worth fighting for and what's worth losing? People, things, ideas, deals...just how far will one go? Is it safe, crazy or dangerous to stand in front of another person as vulnerable as an ant crawling beneath the shadow of a shoe. To stand in front of another person, willing to be a complete fool, willing to open up, willing, just willing; is that crazy or is that the price you pay if you want something, if you want to avoid pain and gain that deep breath of relief and joy. If you want something, someone, where do you stop? Rejection is difficult, but can be overturned...sometimes. So, when do you appeal a first decision if that decision is made? When do you give it your best to receive the happiness that you yearn for, that you dream of, that you want so badly? Some things I do believe are out of our control. Knowing what is really out of our control is difficult. We are selfish creatures to begin with. Fighting for survival. Beyond survival, it's all want and desire. i want him, I want that, I want this. If you see a bit of control in your hands then fight. But you have to know when it's worth it, if it's the best for you. Maybe if it doesn't come so easily, another source of happiness is better. But then again, how do you know for sure? Standing in front of someone completely naked is terrifying, but if you want it, there can be the chance of getting it and if not, then maybe you're stronger for standing up for what you want. So what is the price of happiness? How far does one go?

Seeing Clearly

2006-07-25T16:36:00.000-04:00

Facades, layers, complications, uncertainty, unknowing, strange, difficult, weird...hurtful. There are times where you just don't know. You don't know what someone expects, what they mean by something they say, what you expect of others. Somethings are just challenging to understand, others are clear but challenged by our inability to see and think clearly. At times we desperately want to see something, believe something that may or may not be true. When someone says that they want you to be you, there can be two interpretations. One is that they truly want you to be you. The other is that they want you to be comfortable and you to the point they are willing to accept. Perhaps someone is offering something. They offer to a certain extent and if you are comfortable with that then ok, if not then there is the feeling of guilt coming from the other side. This can make the other side say that they care more about you being comfortable than themself. What it means is that things are on their terms, up to them and if you are not ok with that then they accept that and say ok, no more. If you are ok with it and comfortable with it, then things can proceed the way they have been. Before I thought clearly about this thought, I thought that when someone said they care more about you being comfortable than themself, it meant they cared about the way you felt regardless of what they actually wanted. I now know that although things may seem endearing, nothing right now is truly up to me. The only thing that is up to me however, is whether or not I let myself into this situation. Layers have hidden what I know now and what I understand. There's a reason I am skeptical. There is a reason I doubt. I doubt because of what I have come to understand. Perhaps there is affection, but of course only to a certain extent. An extent to which I do not think I can be part of. Perhaps I'm wrong. But, perhaps I'm right. Physical, slightly emotional relationship- nothing more. Comfortable? Comfortable enough for the physical and as said before, slightly emotional. What is real? I see something now that I didn't want to think of or look at. Knowing though, has changed me.

lie or reveal

2006-07-22T01:14:00.000-04:00

When are you allowed to be yourself? The answer is not all the time. People want you to be happy, at least have the facade of happiness. People want you to be polite. People want you to be respectful and kind. People such as mothers, fathers, grandparents, brothers, sisters...society. Society has standards for interactions between people. We are taught to, if necessary, be fake. A kind fake however. Big smile, warm hello and how are you. At one time or another we are all actors. All pretending to be something we are not. Should we be what we pretend to be? Maybe. Is it ok that we are not? Yes. We can't always be what is expected of us. We can't always disregard our feelings. A question that arises is, when is it safe to truly be you? Who can you be you in front of? Someone may say that want to see the real you and they don't want you to censor yourself and hide. Skepticism can take hold and have you questioning whether or not it really is safe to let lose, to open up, to just talk without thinking too much. Will what I say change the way they view me? Will what I say make them judge me? Will how I say it make them begin to think differing thoughts about me? Do I feel safe? Do I feel comfortable? Do I feel ok screaming and yelling or starting a fight to challenge how they feel about me, to see if it's real? When does the time come when I scare someone away? When does the time come when I know I won't scare them away. What if they don't want to hear what I want to say? What if they think I'm crazy? What if they think I'm someone they didn't think I was? Trust is not easy especially if you have been hurt before. To trust someone with your feelings, your thoughts, your ideas is very difficult. When is it ok to begin to trust and know you won't get hurt? You can never promise you won't get hurt, but I guess that's the gamble you take with any relationship, friendship or otherwise.

What happens now?

2006-07-15T14:58:00.000-04:00

What happens when you feel yourself reverting back to a way that you hated? What happens when you find yourself acting the way you once did, feeling the way you once did, hating what you once did? What happens if it's with the same person that you feel these things? Do you say to yourself, "it's time to let go?" When do you say enough is enough? I find myself wanting to say the same things. But then I think, this isn't really me. This is not the way I usually act. This is not the way I usually seem to others. So then the question is whose fault is it? His for making me feel as though I'm in the same situation? Or mine for allowing myself to revert back? The problem is the unknowing, the confusion. Two people perhaps with two different thoughts. Back off I can say to myself. But does that help the way I feel? Or will talking take care of everything. Walking on eggshells. That's what it is. What happened before? I scared someone. What happening now? I surely don't want to scare anyone. Who makes it weird? Who makes the situation the way it is? Am I making it all up in my head? Signs here and there of endearment, yet words to refute them. Words of fear and rationality. Another question is where is my strength? Do I allow myself to push through the feelings of before and act on the present? Or do I, as said before, simply let go? What am I capable of? What do I want? What is best? One answer is not what happened before. Something new needs to come of this. But I fear that the conclusion will be the same. Can there be time a part and time together and then all over again with slight adjustments? Can you tamper with feelings and deny? Or rather, deny your capabilities? My feelings are out there. His, not so much. Uncertainty never feels right, never feels good, is never understood.

"Feelings are not supposed to be logical. Dangerous is the man who has rationalized his emotions."

2006-07-14T14:08:00.000-04:00

I found this quote a while ago and I find myself coming back to it over and over again. I feel as though I continue to think the same things and feel the same things, but perhaps they are just evolved thoughts from previous ideas and notions. A current theme is feelings. Doubting feelings, believing feelings, holding onto feelings, trying to rid yourself of feelings. Feelings are not supposed to be logical. If they were logical then what would be the point of a shrink? Feelings are supposed to mess with you. They are supposed to create pains in your stomach, dreams in your sleep, smiles during the day, tears late at night. Dangerous is the man who has rationalized his emotions. Danger comes with time. Time to think and analyze. Time to rationalize what is good and what is bad. What is right and what is wrong. Acting on the way one feels is not always logical, but the question is what is really more dangerous? Acting on something that is in the moment, or thinking about the way you feel and rationalizing it to the point where the feeling can at times disappear. I analyze. I think. I overthink. It's hard for me to just let go. To just accept what I feel in the moment. To trust that feeling. I have thought of myself as a trusting person. Recently, I feel as though that has changed. Trust goes hand in hand with doubt. Doubting things such as feelings causes trust to simply not exist. The question is, how do you begin to trust? Should I just go on the idea that feelings aren't logical and that that is perfectly fine sometimes? Or do I continue to rationalize which leads to more doubt in the end although perhaps at times it should lead to more trust. Sometimes I create tests. Subconsciously and consciously. I ask why, I see how a boy responds to something I say, I question. People have called me intuitive. Does that work against me or with me? I can read people. I can tell them things about themselves that maybe they did not know. However, in return I just continue to question things, feelings, thoughts. Someone asked me why I can't speak in person the way I write. I don't know exactly why I can't speak this way and be more honest and open and comfortable. Maybe I rationalize the way I feel too much which in the end can be dangerous. I like rationality although at times it can seem like I don't. I like symmetry and sanity. However, I'm unsure if anything I have written is actually logical. So what is purely logical?

Selfishness

2006-07-04T01:40:00.000-04:00

Although being selfish can work out at times, there are other times when one has to ask himself whether or not it is worth it to be selfish. There must be a reason there is selfishness. There is a reason for guilt. Tonight for a moment I believed selfishness could prevail. I was wrong. I thought I could win the battle. I thought I knew what I wanted. That wasn't the truth though. The truth was that I wanted something in the moment. I wanted something that I couldn't have for the best reasons ever. Someone didn't want me to regret or resent. I thank him for that and I thank him for being mature and stopping me. Selfishness can only last so long. Rationality must kick in somewhere. Without it, where would human kind be? So now I ask myself, will there ever be a time to be selfish once again if placed in the same situation as I had been tonight. My conclusion? When the situation arises once again, the circumstances will be different. I know this because I will only allow the circumstance to return upon rationality. Therefore selfishness won't be part of it. If it is right, then how could one think it selfish? Am I nervous? Of course. Do I want to be selfish? Yes. Should I be? No. Will he allow me to? No. And I'm happy about that. So now I wait. I wait for that situation and I wait for the time where the situation is different. Where I can feel at ease.

Feeling vs. Fact

2006-07-04T01:34:00.000-04:00

What is the difference between feeling and fact? Feelings aren't always facts. "I think he hates me". That is a feeling. To him, that may very well not be a fact. The question is, how do you separate feelings from facts and when do you know whether to believe one for the other? That is a problem with the idea of doubting. What exactly does one doubt? Feelings. People doubt what other's think, how they are perceived, who actually cares about them. These burts of doubt are merely that. Bursts of uncertainty, of unknowing and that doubt is where the feelings prevail and the fact hides in the shadow.

What do I want?

2006-05-14T15:13:00.001-04:00

I don't even know what I'm thinking anymore. I don't even know what I want. I don't even know what I can have. I don't even know if I can get something I can't have. Skepticism can be hurtful. Why question everything? Why can't I just accept some things and be secure with what I already know. Maybe I just don't actually know it. We all need confirmation. We all need something to say yes, you are right, to say yes, stop questioning. I have always questioned. My feelings, others' feelings, where I stand, who I stand with, just everything. I want to stop questioning. I want to start believing, but believing is too easy sometimes. Believing is like having faith. I don't know if I believe in all of that. What do I want? I want a movie. I want something close to perfection with fine lined flaws. But do I have to just believe in order to get that, whatever "that" is? Or do I question things and continue to question them until I find what I want? I wish I knew.

So

2006-05-08T01:13:00.000-04:00

Always doubting is a terrible thing. When you're always doubting then there is no room for accepting, no room for becoming comfortable, no room for enjoyment. I'm not even sure what I doubt right now. Confusion is grasping me to the point where all I want to do is just forget and maybe regret. What are you supposed to do when you're at the point where you literally do not know what to do. Three people in my life. Three people all at once, two of whom left my life and now return and one new one. Varying degrees of a relationship with each, but the question really is what do I want and what is right. At times I think I know what I should do and at times I just want to give into what I really want at the moment, not what I want in the long run. What is good for me? Should I know the answer? How can I know the answer if at times I don't even think I know myself? That scares me sometimes. What am I supposed to do then? I doubt. Who can I rely on to tell me not to doubt, to tell me what is right? No one. Only me. I can take advice. I never listen. Someone recently said they thought I was independent. I have always thought that about myself, but I don't think many others think that. When she said I was independent, she meant that I listen to what I want to listen to. Is that good? And if I do listen to myself, which part of myself do I listen to?
So I doubt. What side of me?
I ask a lot of questions. Maybe that's why I doubt.

When Do You Decide to be Free?

2006-02-03T00:56:00.000-05:00

A voice to the left, a voice to the right. One belonging to the devil, the other to the angel. So which do we chose to listen to? Are they both part of us? Truly..where do we stand? Although I may not hear those voices so distinctly as watching them appear in a dream, I still have a struggle within myself. At times I'm not really sure who to listen to or what to do. Act on feelings? Act on intelligence? Act on the suggestions of others? Where do I come in?
There's this pain inside sometimes and all I want to do is yell. Run around the block. Say "go to hell" to each person I pass by. When is it that I can truly just breathe? Do I say this, do I restrain myself?
One minute I'm one person. The next, another.
A constrant struggle residing in my chest.
Emotions overcome, the mind gives in. So in a way I'm basically fucked. I don't think I know the meaning of balance, at least not at certain times.
Skepticism...there are no angels, there are no devils. There's only us. There's only me. I am more than one person. I am more than one entity.
Struggle, refrain.
Struggle, explain.
So when do you decide to be free? When do you decide that it's ok to be you, it's ok to say what you want, it's ok to let go and breathe and forget all of your thoughts. Just exist. Never. That's the answer. Never. Never will you just exist. That's simply not life.

Why Can't We Be Honest?

2005-08-31T01:20:00.000-04:00

I feel like I have so many questions and I feel like I'm not a skeptic when it comes to many of them, but I guess it doesn't really matter, does it? Can people truly be honest with themselves or with others? Or do you first have to learn to be true to yourself before you can ever be honest and truthful with anyone else? How do we really know what honesty is? What if I do something which feels wrong, but is something that I'm honestly enjoying? What then becomes the honest part? All questions, no answers. Should I talk or should I wait.
Should I deny it, whatever the IT may be?
Should I laugh it off or embrace it
Should I turn my back and lie to myself?
When does the happiness begin or continue if we all lie to ourselves...
Sometimes I'm too afraid and I know it. Other times I feel as though I just pretend. Pretend for the sake of what though? Why should we pretend if it only hurts us in the end. I guess I can rhyme. Funny. Or sad. I feel like I'm the other, the other side of the skeptic. So is it possible to be a bit of everything? Honestly I don't know. Honestly, I can't say. Honestly, what the hell is honesty?

How do we move on?

2005-08-22T19:42:00.000-04:00

Moving on is one of the hardest things to do for some people. Some peope just can't move on. We experience pain. More on some days, less on others. But we as humans experience all emotions that we were allowed to have. Abstract nouns become our life at times. Love, Hate, Justice. We live each day trying to succeed (at least some of us do). We live each day trying to live. The loss of a loved one. The loss of a friendship. The loss of a relationship. The loss of a career. The loss of a home. The loss of a child. The loss of game. The loss of a world to be had. Starring up to the moon at night, holding yourself tight as water showers you, holding your hair as you lean over a toilet, taking a knife and stabbing a pillow, standing in a room and screaming, talking to someone, to anyone. Do we really ever get over pain if we are a lucky one able to believe we have moved on?

Alcohol, drugs, bulimia, anorexia, cutting, suicide--these are the ones that don't move on. Instead of learning to deal, they suppress their thoughts, their feelings. No one is let in, no one can help. "The first step to recovery is stating that you have a problem", yet sometimes people don't have the courage, the ability to see that they have a problem, so no, they do not help themselves or allow others to help. Chaos takes over their brains. Nothing rational can get in. Do they survive, or do they just drift through life without a cane to help them walk?

What Happens When We Die?

2005-08-22T19:19:00.000-04:00

So where do we go, who do we see, what do we do? Heaven or hell. Do we come back as cats or dogs or even the next president? Or do we lay in the ground forever and just rot? I know that's not the most pleasant thing to think or or say, but it's what I think happens. Or at least I can say, no one knows what happens when we die. If we knew then damn, that would be pretty strange. Our minds shut off after death so no one, nothing can report back to the living what happens. Does it make sense though, does it sound right that we can perhaps live on after we die? Live on how? Are our minds and bodies or spirits combined or separate? Some people say that our spirits live on after or bodies decay. Yes, the spirit lives on with out children, but what is a spirit to begin with? So tell me, what happens?

"To doubt everything or to believe everything are two equally convenient solutions; both dispense with the necessity of reflection."

2005-08-08T00:05:00.000-04:00

Reflection indeed. Without reflection how do we remember who we are or what we believe? Can both these things just stay with us forever without a though going to either? I call myself a doubter but also a believer. Is that possible I say. Yes I believe so. I believe in God, but I doubt His abilities. Does God really have a watchful eye over us all? Does he really have a plan and uses us as pawns? Does God really even understand the need for some things in people's lives? I don't even know why I say "His", why not "Hers". I guess it's because I've always heard him described as a man. Sometimes I think he looks like an old man with a white beard. I guess I could be describing Santa Clause. But then again, maybe they're just the same, one in disguise. I think we all have choices. However, as someone once pointed out to me, we do not decide where we come from. Some have more choices than others: where to live, where to go to school etc. Some do not though. Some just follow in their parents footsteps and those are the people I pity. Of course it's alright to be similar to your parents, but there should be a difference between mother and daughter, between father and son. We do have choices. Whether following in a parent's footsteps or walking through the path of life on one's own, we have the choice of living or dying, of being a dancer or a doctor, of living alone or with a spouse. I do not believe in fate, as I do not believe in God's plan. I do believe in individuality and the creation of one's own fate within him or herself. Why live if we do not have a life of our own to live?

Are We All Equal?

2005-08-06T17:08:00.000-04:00

In the eyes of God I guess we are all equal. But that is if you actually believe in God. Am I equal to a murderer? I have been told that I am. What the hell I say. How is it that I am no better than someone who kills people and just has a fucking sick mentality? Some wide-eyed thinkers have said that we should apply the theory of relativity to the world in which we live. So if we do that, then they think that I may think that I am better than a murderer, but the murderer may believe he's better than me. Hmmm...then they say that it is because of social laws that the murderer is viewed as lower than me. So what, shall we just rid ourselves of social laws that keep one another from creating complete chaos? So I say, no, we are not all equal. I don't think that a rapist is better than me. I've also heard that we all have the ability to kill, but most of us do not. Shall I get a reward for not killing? No, I don't think so. How about just having someone say, "yeah, I think you're a little better than a murderer." Maybe that's too much to ask.